Faculty & administration

Credentials: fictional.
Disappointment: sincere.

The Institute’s faculty are intelligent, articulate, and have spent far too long studying behavior that did not require study. None of them are real. All of them have opinions about your notifications.

Director of Independent Judgment

Dr. Martin Vale

Dr. Vale has spent twenty-two years attempting to explain why his department should not exist. His central argument is that independent judgment cannot be taught by an institution, a position he has presented at every faculty meeting since his appointment, to an institution, which keeps giving him a larger office.

He is the principal investigator on the Unsolicited Certainty Effect and the Expertise Compression Effect, and he personally signs every certificate the Institute issues, a duty he describes as “the part of my job that proves my point.”

Recent public statement“I have been asked to comment on the trend. I have read about the trend. I have no comment on the trend, and I would gently suggest that you may not need one either.”

Office hours: when the door is openThe door is rarely open

Chair of Applied Disengagement

Dr. Elaine Mercer

Dr. Mercer is the field’s leading expert in recognizing conversations with diminishing intellectual returns, usually within the first two sentences. She once declined an invitation to deliver a keynote address about declining unnecessary invitations. Her absence was described by attendees as the strongest presentation of the conference.

Her department oversees the Non-Engagement Simulator. Colleagues describe her as warm, generous and almost impossible to reach, and she considers all three to be compatible.

Recent public statementDr. Mercer was invited to provide a statement for this page. She has not provided one. The Office of Communications considers this her statement.

Office hours: declinedCourteously

Department of Digital Behavioral Studies

Prof. Daniel Price

Prof. Price researches how minor personal inconveniences become public controversies, and how ordinary decisions such as lunch, a haircut or a new chair have come to require a formal position. His grant proposal contains the sentence, “Someone should examine why a sandwich now requires a public position.” The proposal is still under review. The reviewers would like to know his position on the sandwich.

He leads the Personal Branding Paradox and the Hobby Monetization Phenomenon studies, and advises the Office of Communications on the Public Non-Announcement Generator.

Recent public statement“For the record, it was turkey. I did not intend for this to become the record.”

Office hours: lunchDo not ask about the lunch

Director of Admissions & Unnecessary Correspondence

Margaret Bell

Mrs. Bell maintains the Institute’s administrative standards, its filing system and its reply-all policy, which is that there is no reply-all. She reviews every application personally and privately believes every applicant should reconsider applying. She considers this the kindest thing an admissions office can believe.

The stack of correspondence on her desk has not been answered. It has, she notes, been organized.

Recent public statement“Thank you for your interest in the Institute. Please consider whether you were interested before someone told you to be.”

Office hours: postedNot observed

Apply to Mrs. Bell

A note on credentials The faculty are fictional characters, and their portraits are illustrations of people who do not exist. None of them is an accredited professional, and nothing on this site is professional advice. If you need a real expert, please find one who says “it depends” a lot. That is usually a good sign.