Internal communications, released to the public on the grounds that nobody asked. Printable for your own office, should your office require the reminder.
Effective immediately, office hours will be held by non-appointment.
Personnel who would like to meet are encouraged to consider whether the matter could be resolved by not meeting. Most matters can. The remaining matters have been placed in the stack.
The Communications Office reminds all personnel that a personal decision does not automatically constitute an announcement.
Personnel who change their hairstyle, coffee order or opinion of a television program are not required to inform the public, release a timeline, or thank anyone for their patience during this time. There is no time. It was a haircut.
The Alumni Department reports an ongoing decline in participation among graduates. Newsletter open rates have fallen, reunion attendance was limited to the caterer, and the annual fund received one envelope, which contained a polite note asking to be removed from the list.
Academic leadership considers this an encouraging development.
The Institute has rejected a proposed influencer partnership after determining that the applicant’s primary qualification was possessing followers.
The applicant has since announced a response video. Personnel are reminded that attendance is not required, and that “stitching” is something the Institute does only to buttons.
Dr. Vale renewed his annual motion to abolish the Department of Independent Judgment on the grounds that independent judgment cannot be administered. The motion was seconded by nobody and tabled by everybody.
Dr. Mercer sent regrets. Prof. Price asked that the minutes reflect that the sandwich incident has been “resolved.” The minutes reflect that he asked.
The Office has received several drafts describing ordinary activities as a “journey.” Personnel are advised that a journey involves travel. Learning to bake bread is learning to bake bread. Switching phone carriers is an errand.
The Office has no objection to growth. It simply prefers that growth not be narrated.
Colleagues have continued to ask what kind of sandwich appeared in my grant proposal. I would like to state, for the last time, that the type of sandwich was not the subject of the research.
It was turkey. I regret this memo.
Personnel may leave any group chat at any time without explanation. A farewell message is optional. A farewell message followed by remaining in the chat is not a farewell message. It is a status update.
Muting is acceptable and need not be disclosed. Dr. Mercer has muted this memo.
A proposal has been submitted to sell a hooded sweatshirt reading “I DON’T FOLLOW ANYONE,” in a limited edition, through a link in the bio.
Leadership has noted that the item would be worn by a large number of people simultaneously in order to express that they are not like other people. The proposal has been forwarded to Prof. Price as research material.
The Office has reviewed the Institute’s use of the words “now,” “today only,” and “before it’s too late,” and found that none of our matters were urgent. Personnel are reminded that information that is true on Tuesday is generally still true on Thursday.
Should anything genuinely urgent arise, the Office will say so in a calm voice. You will know it is urgent because it will not have a countdown timer.
All memoranda are fictional satire. No offices were disturbed in their production. You may print any memo for your own office, fridge or group chat.